Hitchikers Guide to the TARDIS
by waterdragon719
Summary: The Ninth Doctor, Rose and Jack visit some of the most famous and weirdest tourist attractions our world has to offer...
1. Going Bananas

Hello! Welcome to my first attempt at a humerous fic! In this chapter, Rose take The Doctor and Jack to one of the most famous tourist attractions in New South Wales...if not the most bizzare.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor do I own any of the tourist attractions mentioned here.

* * *

"Okay…open!" 

Jack and The Doctor opened their eyes, and the first thing Rose saw in their faces was confusion.

"What…is that?" asked Jack, "Is that a…"

The Doctor grinned, "It's a big banana."

In front of them was, exactly as The Doctor said, a big banana. It was situated in the front of a raised platform, and it looked like that platform continued into several kiosks. The banana was, as bananas are, bright yellow and had the words "The Big Banana, Coffs Harbour" printed on it in big, black letters.

Rose laughed, "Thought you'd like it!"

The Doctor laughed with her, "How'd you find this place?"

"When I was a kid, Mum dated a travel agent…"

"I bet she did…"

"…and he took us on a trip to Australia to see all these 'big' things. Right now, we're at Coffs Harbour in New South Wales. This is the best tourist attraction in the area."

"Can't see why." Said Jack, amused, "And just how many 'big' things are there in Australia anyway?"

"Well, there is the big orange, the big bottle, the big prawn, the big oyster, the big crocodile…actually there's two of those, the big pineapple, the big cassowary, the big pheasant, the big rolling pin, the big gold digger, the big marlin, the big…what was it? Merino, that's it! And then there's the big rocking horse, and the big earthworm…"

"Okay!" shouted Jack, "Point taken! For crying out loud, who would want to build this stuff anyway?"

"Hey!" The Doctor interrupted, still grinning, "Tourists like it! I like it!"

"Yeah, but a big _banana_?"

"Banana's are good. Besides, this looks like a nice place." He grinned again, a big childish grin that made you want to laugh, "Let's take a closer look!"

The Doctor and Rose made their way up, while Jack walked behind them, a bemused look on his face.

"It isn't even that big." He commented as they got closer.

"Give it a rest will ya?" said Rose, lightly punching him on the shoulder, "You'll spoil it!"

The Doctor hurriedly ran up to it, examining it from top to bottom. A few children stared at him oddly, but he ignored them.

"Human architecture!" he shouted to Rose, who was still catching up, "You guys are so creative…"

"It's just a _banana_!" replied Jack, obviously irritated.

The Doctor turned around and began to make his way to the information desk.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, "Oh! There's a tour about the history of bananas! Oh, come on, let's go see it!"

Rose giggled, "You're like a five-year-old on his birthday!"

Jack grabbed a program and studied it sceptically. "Bunches of fun, huh?" he said, sarcasm dripping off his words, "This'll be good."

They paid for their tickets and walked into the theatre, where bunches of kids were running around and fighting over the best seat. A little baby boy walked over to Jack and looked up at him, his face smeared with ice cream and what looked like, much to Jack's disgust, banana.

"Shoo." He said, gesturing to the door, "Go away."

"Jack!" said Rose, "How can you be so mean to a _kid_?"

"Yeah Jack!" said The Doctor, looking over at him with amusement. Jack glared at him, and was about to comment when the lights went out. Every single head turned towards the front of the room, where single spotlight was shining behind the thin material that served as the screen. Lit up in the spotlight was a giant model elephant, and then the elephant sound effects played and a chorus of 'oooh's came from the kids in the audience. Then a picture of a banana appeared and a voice began to speak.

"Welcome to the World of Bananas educational tour…"

"This is great!" whispered The Doctor to Rose, a wide grin on his face. Rose rolled her eyes.

"The banana was first discovered by Alexander the Great, who discovered the taste of the banana in the valleys of India in 327 BC."

Behind the screen, a model of a Chinese man and a statue of a man riding a horse were both lit up. Cries of awe came from the kids, and Jack sighed.

"Can we go home?" he said.

"Shh!" whispered The Doctor, which was quickly followed by another barricade of shh-ing from the back rows. Jack sunk into his chair and Rose tried hard to suppress a giggle.

"The banana was first mentioned in Buddhist texts in 600BC…" The Chinese man and the man riding a horse were plunged into darkness and a little Buddhist monument was lit up.

"Please god…save me." Whispered Jack as the voice prattled on.

* * *

Ten or fifteen minutes later, the film stopped and the lights came back on. 

"Please make your way to theatre two." Said an automated voice, "You're about to see something you may have never seen before!" Jack groaned.

"Theres _more?_" he asked. The Doctor slapped him on the back, "Come now…don't be such a spoil sport. Enjoy it. I am."

"That's because you're _you_." Jack pointed out, "Personally, I don't know what's so great about bananas."

"Well, they're a good source of potassium, very healthy, you can make cloth out of the fibres, and they've been providing the world comedy for years…you can shine your shoes with banana peels too."

"Really?" asked Rose. The Doctor nodded. Jack patted him on the shoulder.

"If I ever need my shoes shined, I'll give you a buzz." He said, and then made his way into the second theatre. Rose and The Doctor exchanged glances and then followed.

Inside was what looked like a diorama behind glass. It had the veranda of a house, a little market, a little bottle, and a barbecue. The Doctor took one glance at it and grinned.

"SpectraVision Theatre. I haven't seen this for years! Little virtual characters prancing on a solid 3-D background…most entertaining thing in the world for a kid!"

"Never seen it before?" said Jack, taking a seat, "And I was expecting something a little more advanced."

"You're not in the 51st century any more Jack." Said The Doctor, fixing him a glare, "You can't expect them to be coming out with anything _too_ advanced."

"S'cuse me?" said Rose, slightly insulted. The Doctor ignored her.

Once again, there was scrabbling among kids for the best seat as the lights went out. The three watched, amused, as two little virtual people, a man and a woman, walked out of the model house onto the model veranda, and then waved.

"Hi!" said the woman, waving, "My name is Jennie, and this is Ben. And we are going to talk to you about bananas. Now, let's show you one…"

The little character turned to the man, who had taking a banana out of his pocket and was eating it. The woman stamped her foot.

"Ben! You ate our prop!"

The man turned to her, "Sorry, I was hungry! And bananas make a great snack…"

The virtual man threw the banana peel into a tiny bin. The woman went over to a small box and pulled out another banana.

"Well, at least he's got something right, bananas _are_ a great snack. They're tasty, and they are also very healthy!"

"Much better than a weapon factory." Whispered The Doctor to Jack. Jack glared at him.

The show proceeded, Jack once again sinking into the seat and wishing he was back at the Time Agency.

Almost.

* * *

Finally, they were out of the theatre. Rose blinked as the sunlight hit her eyes. 

"Thank god." She said, "I had no idea there was so much you could do with bananas…"

"Nature miracle fruit!" replied The Doctor.

Outside was a man dressed in a puce-y green uniform with a banana on it. His face was a picture of sheer boredom, and if that wasn't enough he was fiddling with a yo-yo. The picture of _ultimate_ boredom.

The kids scrabbled out and surrounded the man, who put away the yo-yo and stood up.

"Hello kids. My name is Matthew" He said, without even trying to smile, "How are you today?"

"Good!" shouted the kids enthusiastically. The man yawned.

"What was your favourite bit kids?"

Several kids put their hands up, and the other ones began shouting their answers, determined to be heard. Most kids preferred the SpectraVision, and one kid commented that he liked the elephant.

The man just waited for them all to be quiet, and then he gestured to the stairs behind him that wound into the banana groves.

"And now, the guided tour through the banana groves." Said the man in his drawling voice, "Please no pushing, running, climbing or shouting. And no touching the bananas!"

A few kids mumbled protests, but proceeded up the stairs nonetheless. Jack, Rose and The Doctor followed, each glancing at the groves as they passed.

"What are those blue bags for?" asked Rose, pointing to a tree that had blue bags covering the bananas.

"They're used to keep insects out." Explained The Doctor. Jack poked at one and muttered something about primitive methods, and then quickly put his hands behind his back when the tour guide turned around. He glared at Jack suspiciously, and then addressed the group.

"Now, this is a banana tree." He said, gesturing to the tree behind him. Jack snorted and attracted yet another glare from Matthew.

"This." He said, holding up a big bulb of some sort, "Is a bunch of bananas. Under each of these leaves are almost a hundred tiny bananas we call fingers, and they are all on one leaf we call a hand. When they grow too big we cut most of them off, because we can't fit them all into one bunch. I'll now pass this around."

He gave it to the nearest kid, who studied it with awe and instantly began tearing at the leaves to see the little bananas inside. Eventually it came around to The Doctor, Rose and Jack, and The Doctor lifted the leaf to reveal rows of tiny bananas.

"There's tons there!" exclaimed Rose, "And it's so heavy…"

The Doctor nodded, "You could fill a single supermarket with this bunch alone. To bad you guys have to waste them all…"

Rose handed it to the next person, who shook her head. The Doctor snatched it off her and placed it in his jacket.

"Doctor!" whispered Rose, "That's called stealing."

"They can get another one!" The Doctor protested back, "Besides, I want to test something."

Rose shook her head. No use continuing, The Doctor would always win in the end. She waited for Jack to make a comment. When he didn't, she looked over towards him. He was standing there, head lolled to one side, making snoring noises. Rose moved over and slapped him on the side, causing him to lose his balance and stumble, eyes snapping open.

"What was that for?" he asked. Rose glared at him, the splitting image of her mother. Suddenly, a kid turned around and faced them.

"Excuse me." He said, "Some of us are trying to _learn_ here. Get a room why don't you?"

Rose heard The Doctor behind her, laughing, and she herself tried to suppress giggles.

"And now." They heard Matthew say, "The next part of the tour."

The group marched, single file, towards a shed. Matthew opened the door and they all crowded into a large room with crates of bananas stacked in every corner and a large machine with more bananas stacked on top of it. Above it was a television, and when they walked in it began to play.

"When bananas are picked." A voice explained, "They are put onto this machine here, which washes them."

The machine below turned on, and began rotating. A shower of water appeared to one side, and the bananas went through it.

"They are then broken into bunches, which are packed into these boxes to be sent to the supermarket."

Matthew gestured at the boxes around them and the television showed a few men cutting bananas and putting them in boxes.

"Well, that concludes the World of Bananas educational tour. I hope you all had fun, and will you please make your way to the games room on your left when ready." the television went blank. Matthew picked up a tray of bananas and began handing them out to people as they left to go to the games room. The Doctor, Rose and Jack took one, and then Jack laughed.

"Reminds me of that switch you made." He said light-heartedly, "Just so you know, I'm ready if that ever happens again. So don't you try it."

"Me?" asked The Doctor innocently, "Why Jack, how could you say such a thing?"

Jack shook his head and turned away, but then The Doctor put his hand up,

"Oh Jack?" he said, "Where's your gun?"

Jack knew The Doctor and Rose knew he carried a gun with him at all times. They teased him about it constantly. But, confident, he swiftly pulled the gun out of his back pocket and showed them.

"Here, see? Nothing…"

He blinked. He wasn't holding the gun. He was holding a banana.

The Doctor and Rose burst out laughing. Jack felt his cheeks go red.

"Ha ha." He said, "Funny. Can I have my gun back now?"

The Doctor laughed again, "You should know better than to take a gun to a family place! I'll give it back if you behave."

Jack gave him a withering look, and then put the banana back into his pocket, "I _will_ get you back for this one day."

The Doctor just laughed at him and moved on through the door. Rose shook her head at him, grinning, and then followed. Jack stood there for a moment, glaring at the bananas on the machine, and then followed sulkily behind them.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the companions exited the games room laughing their heads off. 

"That was so fun!" exclaimed Rose, "You should have seen your face when you tried to lift that banana bunch…" she giggled.  
"I'm not that strong okay?" said The Doctor, offended.

"Jack could lift it."

"Jack is from the 51st century. _And_ I'm nine hundred years older than him."

Jack laughed, "Really? That old?"  
The Doctor grinned at him, "Don't forget I have the picture of you wearing Carmen Miranda's hat."

"Is anybody hungry?" asked Jack, quickly changing the subject, "Cos I'm hungry."

"Me too." Said Rose, "I wonder what they're got…"

"There's a food court over there." Pointed out The Doctor, "Let's check it out."

They headed down to the building, and they walked in and halted.

Every stall was full of _bananas_. Banana Ice cream, chocolate coated bananas, banana splits, banana fritters, banana salads, barbequed bananas, banana sandwiches.

Bananas.

Jack groaned, "Why me? Why?"

The Doctor slapped him on the back, "Well, it's about time we all tried something new. Go on." He dug out a few ten dollar notes from his pocket and slapped them into Jack and Rose's hands, "Have whatever you want. I'll get a table."

Jack went over to a stall and studied their hot food. A lady came up to him and Jack looked up.

"Ah, hello!" he said, "Could I perhaps have a meat pie and a large chips?"

"If you buy a 500ml drink." Said the lady, "We'll give you a free banana fritter."

"Uh…no thanks."

The lady stared at him, "It's only an extra dollar fifty. And they're good bananas."

"Noticed." Said Jack, "I've already got one. Could I just…"

"What about this?" said the lady, "You could upgrade to the Banana Fun pack. Banana roll, chips, two banana fritters and a coupon for a chocolate coated banana. And only for five dollars. Can't get a better deal than that."

"No." said Jack firmly, "I just want a meat pie and chips. Please."

The lady grudgingly picked out the food and placed it in a brown paper bag. Jack handed over the money and quickly retreated before she could fire any more offers at him. At the table he found The Doctor and Rose sitting down, happily munching away at sandwiches. He sat down.

"I bring chips!" he said, pulling the bag out and putting it in the middle of the table. Rose squealed and smiled at him.

"Jack? Did you know that I love you and you are the most fantastic man I have ever met?" she asked, reaching for the chips. The Doctor choked on his sandwich.

"Excuse me? I took you travelling through time and space and you never told _me_ that!" he complained, "_And _I brought you chips!"

"What are you two eating anyway?" asked Jack curiously, taking out his meat pie. The Doctor opened the sandwich to reveal a pinkish meat underneath a weird, chunky yellow paste.

"Bacon and banana sandwich." He said, "It's not bad. Want to try some?"

Jack stared at the pulpy mess, gulped and shook his head, "What about you Rose?"

Rose held up a gigantic cup, "Banana smoothie. They have great food here, I'll admit."

Jack took a bite out of his pie, "I'm happy with ordinary food, thanks."

"Oh come on!" Rose punched him in the shoulder, "Where's your sense of adventure?"

Jack poked his tongue out childishly at her and reached for a chip, "I have one. I just don't like the idea of losing the entire contents of my stomach, that's all."

They ate in silence for a minute or two, and then The Doctor stood up.

"Well, no point wasting time here!" he said.

"Are we going back?" asked Jack hopefully.

"No, we're going souvenir shopping!" exclaimed The Doctor, "You can't go to a big banana and not get souvenirs!"

Jack stared at him for a moment, and then laid his head in his hands. He was really reconsidering travelling with The Doctor…

* * *

When the group walked into the souvenir shop, they were confronted by a wave of yellow. 

"Oh my _god_." Whispered Jack.

"And you thought the food court was bad." said The Doctor.

Everything here, like everything else, was banana related. Jack glanced over at a small model of a dancing banana and sighed.

"This is _your_ century, not mine." He whispered into Rose's ear.

Rose picked up an environmentally friendly banana bag and picked a snow globe off the shelf.

"Shut it." She said, "Let's go shopping!"  
The Doctor grinned at Jack triumphantly, "See; now _that's_ the proper time travelling attitude!"

He picked out one of the dancing bananas and threw it into Rose's bag, "For the TARDIS dashboard!"

Rose laughed, "Your turn Jack!"

Jack surveyed the trinkets suspiciously, and then pulled down three key rings off a hook.

"For you Rose." He said, "Cos' I know for a fact you keep losing the TARDIS key whenever you take it out of your jacket."

Rose blushed. The Doctor laughed, "That's the spirit!"

They moved on like this for a while, collecting a backpack, a few smelly pencils, a packet of banana chips, a few hat pins, three magnets, bumper stickers, at least six different model bananas, tattoos, a stuffed toy, a book on the history of bananas, wristbands, bubble bath, stress balls, banana hats, and at least half a dozen postcards. A few customers stared at them oddly as they placed two bags full of souvenirs on the counter. The lady at the counter stared at the bags, then turned to The Doctor, eyes wide.

"Making someone very happy." She said. The Doctor grinned at her, making her feel a little uneasy.

"Give me a minute to scan them." She said, quickly turning to her scanner and running it over the barcodes.

"Do you do this often?" Rose asked The Doctor, who had turned his grinning face to her. He laughed.

"Of course! I mean, you can't go travelling through time and space and not buy souvenirs!" he exclaimed.

The lady finished scanning the barcodes, and then punched a couple of buttons on her computer,

"Now, that comes to…" she paused, and gulped, "One hundred and fifty dollars ninety-five."

"_What?!_" Rose and Jack exclaimed. The Doctor rolled his eyes and pulled out a large wad of cash.

"Keep the change." He said, handing it to her with a charming smile, and then he grabbed the bags and walked out of the store. Rose and Jack glanced at each other, and then followed.

"Oh my god!" Rose said running after The Doctor and grabbing a bag off him, "Did we just do what I think we did?"

"Yep. We did"

Rose laughed, "I will never get used to this. Never."

The Doctor shook his head, "Thanks for showing us this place Rose. It's fantastic!"

"Too right!" said Jack from behind them, "Now can we please get out of here?"

The Doctor laughed, "Yeah, fine. Sure you don't want to…"  
"No. Whatever it is, _no_."

They made their way back to the TARDIS.

"Hey, can we go to the big orange next?" commented Rose, "I really want to see what all that's about."

"How about the big prawn?" asked The Doctor, "I like prawns."

"How about we go someplace interesting?" asked Jack hopefully, "Something normal sized perhaps?"

The Doctor thought for a moment, and then he grinned.

"Oh no." groaned Jack, "I hate that look."

"I've got the best place!" The Doctor said, excitement in his voice, "Come on! Let's go!"

* * *

_A few weeks later…_

Rose and Jack were having a laugh in the control room when The Doctor entered.

"Um…hello." He said rather sheepishly. Jack and Rose looked up.

"Hey." Said Rose, "What's up?"

Um…you know that banana pod I took from The Big Banana? Remember how I said I was going to do some experiments on it?"

"Yes…"

"Well, they worked." Said The Doctor.

"That's great." Said Jack, "So what's the problem?"

The Doctor rubbed the back of his head, "Well…I did a little jiggery-pokery with the genes, and every single baby banana on the pod grew. So…we might be eating bananas for a while." He pulled a couple out of his pocket, "Want some?"

Rose burst out laughing. Jack stared at the bananas, and then sighed.

Oh well. At least his shoes would be clean.

* * *

Note: The Big Banana, and every tourist attraction in it, is real. So are all the other big things Rose metioned. The World Of Bananas tour is also authentic, although some of the script and names have been manipulated from lack of information. Also, every fact in this story is authentic, you can indeed shine shoes with banana peels. 

Your reveiws would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! And if you have any tourist attractions you would like to be mentioned in future, please tell me!


	2. Doctor Who?

Welocme to attraction two every body! This chapter, The Doctor, Rose and Jack discover why The Doctor always has money, and exactly how 'noticed' he's become. It's probably leaning slightly towards Alterante Universe...but what can you do?

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, but I'm still trying...

* * *

Rose stared up at the big sign on the entrance to the exhibition. She glanced at The Doctor, then back at the sign, then back at him, a puzzled look on her face.

"Doctor Who Close-Up?" she asked, "What the hell is this?"

The Doctor grinned at her, "We're in The Red Dragon Centre in Cardiff, the year 2007. And this is The Doctor Who Close-Up exhibition. Tomorrow they open, but for now we have the whole place to ourselves."

"What's Doctor Who?" asked Jack, "Sounds a lot like something you'd make up."

"Remember when I said I'd been noticed on Earth?" asked The Doctor, "And you know how I always seem to have money?"

"Yeah…" Rose said suspiciously.

"Well, I've been noticed so much, they decided to make a television show out of me. Each time we visit Earth I see this fellow and he hands me the royalties. I've been doing it for ages…Isn't that cool?"

"So…" asked Rose, "There's a television show on, right now, about you and me?"

"Jack's in it too!" said The Doctor, "It's one of the longest lasting sci-fi shows ever! Right next to Stargate!"

Rose stared up at the sign again.

"Cool as!" she said, laughing, "Always wanted to be on TV!"

They proceeded under the arch into the main foyer of the exhibition. There was an empty ticket box in one corner, and a locked door in the other. With a quick flick of the wrist, The Doctor had his sonic screwdriver out and was trying to unlock the door. A fraction of a second later, there was a sharp click as the lock popped open.

"Nifty." Commented Jack "Maybe I _could_ use one of those…"

"Better than putting up shelves, isn't it?" replied The Doctor smugly. He walked through the door, and a few seconds later there was an ear-splitting scream.

"Doctor!" shouted Rose.

"Oh my god!" shouted Jack.

They rushed into the room, panicking, only to find The Doctor standing up with his hands covering his face, eyes shut.

"What happened?" asked Rose, talking quickly, "Are you okay?"

The Doctor pointed behind her. Rose and Jack slowly turned around, stared at what The Doctor was pointing at, and then they both burst out laughing. They clutched they're stomachs and staggered around, laughing at The Doctor.

"You idiot!" shouted Rose, "I was really worried then!"

In front of them was a life-sized model Dalek, which seemed to be staring at them through it's built in camera lens. The Doctor hesitantly opened his eyes, glanced at the dead prop, then put his hands down and glared at Jack and Rose, who were still cackling together.

"It surprised me, okay?" he whined, "Stop it. It's not funny."

Rose and Jack stopped, both trying hard to suppress a torrent of giggles. The Doctor gave them another piercing glare and turned away. Jack then reached for a button next to the display and pressed it.

"Exterminate!" shouted the automated voice of the model Dalek, accompanied by a ray gun sound effect and a swish of the fake gun. The Doctor squealed, jumped and whirled around.

The pair tried even harder to suppress the laughter; both failed. They laughed even more, collapsing onto each other and laughing like crazy. The Doctor stared at the Dalek for a minute, and then turned to Rose and Jack who were still laughing loudly.

"It wasn't that funny." He mumbled, face turning red.

* * *

They moved on the main exhibition. In the first room was a gigantic cut-out with three people on it.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Rose, pointing, "They look exactly like us!" (Funny about that)

The Doctor grinned, "I know, isn't it great? Can't remember the guys name for the life of me though."

Jack studied his look-alike cut-out, and then frowned.

"Nah." He said, "I'm way more handsome than that."

"Get over yourself!" said Rose, "I bet he's got better manners than you have."

"Well I bet he's also got a real flashy car…"

"Jack!" interrupted The Doctor, "Now is _not_ the time."

Rose giggled, then pointed to a random object behind a glass screen.

"That's one of the shop window dummies!" she exclaimed, "From when we first met!"

"Yeah…most of the episodes are about stuff I've told them." Explained The Doctor, "You would have thought they would have had enough creativity to change the names through. Bloody Davis…"

He pointed to another display, "Look! There's Jack's sonic blaster!"

Jack frowned and walked over.

"Hey, you told me that you put it in the storage room!" he said, "No wonder I couldn't find it in there!"

"Moving on!" cried The Doctor, perhaps a little too quickly.

"What's this?" asked Jack, tapping the glass on one of the displays. This particular one showed a pig wearing a kind of space suit.

"That's from when the Slitheen crashed into Big Ben." The Doctor said, "Seems they cast the body to use as a prop."

"Huh." Commented Jack, "Your century was _so_ creative."

"Oh, look!" shouted Rose, "It's Cassandra!"

Next to her was an extremely detailed replica of the Lady Cassandra in her weird little harness. The Doctor went over and experimentally flicked the model, which made a loud 'twang' that echoed through the hall.

"Bitchy trampoline." He said.

"You shouldn't do that!" protested Rose, "What if somebody catches us, or an alarm goes off or something?"

"Can't." said The Doctor, holding up his screwdriver, "While you two were laughing your heads off I deactivated the alarm system." he bowed, "Give the man a medal!"

Rose rolled her eyes.

Jack meanwhile, had hovered off to another section and was frowning at a screen that was playing a video diary of The Doctor's look-alike actor.

"See, I have a mixed opinion about working on Doctor Who…" the actor said, throwing his hand in the air, "But that's a long story…"

"Hey Doc!" Jack shouted, "You're doing an interview!"

The Doctor hurried over and watched the man as he answered the various questions tossed at him.

"What do they mean I only lasted one season?" he cried.

"Hey, consider yourself lucky!" said Jack bitterly, "I only get five episodes!"

"I get _two_ seasons!" said Rose triumphantly, "I'm better than the both of you!"

"Not fair!" complained The Doctor, "I've only got three regenerations left!"  
"Three what's?" asked Rose, not really paying attention.

"Never mind." Answered The Doctor, not really wanting to delve into the subject, "I want to know who plays me next!"

He whirled around and drove deeper into the exhibition. He eventually came to a cardboard cut-out of a tall, thin man with big brown hair and a smart pinstripe suit underneath a light brown jacket, hands dug in his pockets and a wide grin on his face.

"Who's this guy?" asked The Doctor reading a little biography next to the cut-out, "Doesn't even look like me! And look at that hair! Who does he think he is, trying to replace me…?"

"Come on boy!" said Rose, laying a hand on his shoulder and trying to lead him away, "Television producers never know what they are doing…you should know that."

"And he's Scottish too!" The Doctor complained, "How can a Scottish man play an English role! And _my_ role too!"

Jack glanced at the cut-out, "I don't know Doctor…he's almost better looking than you are!"

"I want to go in!" said The Doctor, trying to wriggle out of Rose's grasp. Rose shook her head.

"No Doctor!" she said firmly, "You're always telling me not to look into my future…even if it's just a television show…" she frowned, "Hold on, who's that girl?" she pointed to a billboard with a dark skinned girl, "Who the hell is…"

Jack quickly pushed them both away.

"Now now guys." He said, "No need to go killing any future actors."

* * *

The group split up, fanning out into different parts of the exhibition. A few minutes later, Rose found The Doctor with a pair of headphones over his ears, humming.

"Whatcha listening to?" she asked. The Doctor didn't answer, so she decided to try a different tactic.

"_DOCTOR!_" she shouted, causing The Doctor to jump and his eyes to snap open. His gaze rested on her and he laughed, taking the headphones off.

"Sorry." he apologised, "Didn't hear you!"

"What are you listening to?" Rose asked curiously. The Doctor grinned and placed the headphones over her ears.

"Listen." He said as music filled Rose's ears.

_Doctor whoooooo, hey! Doctor who! Doctor whoooooo, hey! The TARDIS!_

"What on earth is this?" she asked, frowning.

"Doctorin the TARDIS." The Doctor explained, "A song written by a group called The Timelords in 1988."

"It's fantastic!" Rose said, bobbing her head and smiling, "Even if all they do is repeating the same line over and over…don't ya just _love it_!"

"Just wait until you take a step outside." Exclaimed The Doctor, "There are so many Doctor Who fanatics around these days they'll take one look at you and you'll be the centre of attention. Trust me; I accidentally landed in the middle of a science fiction convention once…almost killed me! Everyone wanted my autograph, and I got sixty-five proposals that day. Sixty-five! Mind you, they were all from nerdy forty year olds with thick rimmed glasses and a permanent fantasy that one day I'd have their babies…"

Rose stared at him for a second, then pointed at the headphones, "What was that?" she asked, "Didn't hear you!"

The Doctor stared at her, then rolled his eyes.

"Never mind." He said carelessly, and he walked away leaving Rose listening to the music. A few seconds later Jack turned up.

"Rose?" he asked, "Where's The Doctor? I want to show him something."

Rose blinked, then pointed to the headphones, "Can't hear ya Jack!"

Jack frowned, and then the frown turned into an evil grin.

"Hey Rose…" he said, casually putting his hands in his pockets, "Wanna, I don't know…make out some time? Neck for an hour or so? Have a few kids? Only if we call the first one Bill. Or what about adoption? It's what all the star couples are doing these days…"

Rose stared at him blankly, and then a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"The song stopped two minutes ago." She smirked.

Jack blinked, then muttered something about The Doctor and hurried off. Rose couldn't stop laughing.

* * *

The Doctor was in his own world when Jack found him. He was staring up at a costume with a prosthetic mask on top which, to Jack, looked awfully weird. It had a human head, minus the tendrils that seemed to come from her scalp (which looked suspiciously like tree branches) and up to form a sort of hair-like mess. As he stared Jack could see something like hurt in his eyes.

"Doctor?" he asked, "You okay?"

The Doctor didn't even flinch. He stared up at the figure and sniffed.

"I'm sorry Jade." He whispered, "Sorry I wasted my time. If only I'd been quicker."

It was only then The Doctor noticed Jack. Jack coughed.

"Did you want to be alone?" he asked sympathetically, a rare thing for him. The Doctor shook his head, "No, I'm done."

He turned to him with a weak smile on his face, "So…you want me for something?"

Jack nodded. He pulled his aside and pointed at a plastic Slitheen costume. He whispered something to The Doctor, and he grinned widely.

"Yeah, okay." He said, then laughed, "Rose is going to _kill_ us though."

"Never stopped you before." Jack commented slyly.

* * *

Rose wandered the corridors of the exhibition, wondering exactly where Jack and The Doctor had gone.

She didn't have much time to wonder, though, considering as she rounded the next corner she came face to face with a Slitheen.

"Rawr!"

Rose screamed and ran in the other direction. She could hear it following close behind her, so she rounded a corner and then quickly hid around the back of the nearest display case. She knew it wouldn't do any good, Slitheen could smell adrenalin. And boy, were her hormones pumping.

Surprisingly, it didn't come around the corner. Rose listened carefully, and then when she was sure it wasn't following she stood up and sighed.

_Phew. That was…_

She screamed again when she saw what was in the display case. It was the head of that thing that The Doctor had seen in Van Staten's museum. He called it a Cyberman, and it scared the shit out of her.

She shut her mouth when she'd established what it was, then remembered that a Slitheen was on her tail and that blood curdling scream had just told it where she was.

The monster in question came around the corner and spotted her. It growled. Rose thought of her options. She couldn't get out from behind the case; it would outrun her in a second. There was a wall behind her, so she couldn't go that way. She was trapped.

Bugger.

She shut her eyes and braced herself. She could hear the Slitheen laughing as it came closer…

_Hold on. Slitheen don't laugh like that…_

She opened her eyes. The monster's head lay discarded on the floor, and in its place was Jack's head, laughing at her. Rose blinked, and then glared at him.

"Okay, that was _so_ not fair." She said as Jack pushed the costume down, revealing The Doctor underneath, holding him up, "That was cruel and mean and…"

"Funny?" asked Jack as he dropped off The Doctor's shoulders.

Rose glared at him harder.

"Jerk."

Jack grinned, "Always!"

Rose turned to The Doctor, "And you helped him!"

The Doctor laughed, "Come on, it was rather funny. Admit it."

Rose poked her tongue out childishly, and then stared at the costume.

"Where did you get that?" she asked, "You'd better not have taken it off the display…"

Jack and The Doctor smiled sheepishly, "Yeah…maybe we did."

"Well…" Rose pointed to it, "Put it back! Can't leave it there! People will know we were here!"

Jack rolled his eyes, "God, who's the spoil sport now?" Rose advanced on him, ready to slap, and he moved away, "Okay, fine, we'll put it back!"

He picked it up and heaved half of it onto his shoulder. The Doctor grabbed the back, and Rose carried the head, still resisting the urge to slap both of them.

Mind you, there was always later…

* * *

Rose sat down and watched, amused, as Jack and The Doctor fought to return the costume to its display position.

"Doctor." Jack grunted, "Take that side!"

"I can't!" The Doctor replied, "I drop this one and it'll fall off!"

"Then let it fall, just help me already!"

"No! I can't!"

"Rose!"

"I'm not getting into this!" Rose protested, "You got it down, you will put it back up!"

There was a clang of metal on concrete as one of the posts holding the costume up fell off the display, causing The Doctor and Jack to lose their concentration and balance. They toppled over, the crumpled Slitheen covering then and pinning them to the floor.

"Help!" shouted The Doctor and Jack from underneath the beast. Rose laughed and went over to help them out.

"How about we just leave it here!" The Doctor suggested once they had both been rescued.

"But we'll get caught!" Rose said. The Doctor grinned.

"Got some paper?" he asked. Rose frowned, then handed him a shop receipt from her pocket. The Doctor pulled a pen out of his pocket and clicked a button on its side. It began glowing blue, and The Doctor pressed it on the paper and began to write.

_Sorry for the mess! I was having a late night walkabout and I had to see what it was made of…brilliant costume. Anyway, sorry for that, but I hope you'll accept this money for any damage costs._

_Yours Truly,_

_The Doctor._

The Doctor laid the receipt on top of the limp Slitheen and placed a small wad of cash beside it. Rose frowned at him.

"What…that's it?"

The Doctor grinned again, "Those cleaners who come in the morning will have a field day. That receipt right there is going to be worth more than the most expensive diamond in the world by the time it gets on eBay."

"Why was the pen glowing?" Jack asked, completely off topic. The Doctor held it up.

"It's sonic."

"Who would want to make a…oh forget it." Jack said, waving his hand.

"What?" asked The Doctor, "Never had a few letters to write? Never had to sign a billion forms? Never had to forge a signature to get out of school?"

"Give it a rest you two!" Rose interrupted, "I'd say it's about time we left."

"Okay…" said The Doctor, throwing Jack one last disbelieving glance before heading to the TARDIS which was parked around the corner. He put the key in the lock, and was surprised when the lock didn't turn.

"Come on…" he said, "Open up!"

"Uh…Doctor." Rose tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yeah?" he asked distractedly as he pulled out his sonic screwdriver.

"The TARDIS is that way." She said, pointing behind her. The Doctor turned to her, blinked, and then looked up at the TARDIS in front of him.

"Oh." He said when he saw the sign posted above it.

_Prop only. Do not touch._

"Huh." He said, "That's a first."

* * *

A few minutes later, The Doctor was back on the real TARDIS and waiting for Rose and Jack to come back from their shopping spree at the souvenir store (come on, like they were going to leave without souvenirs).

Jack was first in the door, carrying a bulging bag of stuff.

"Look what I got!" he shouted, then pulled out a box and threw it over, "The complete set of Doctor Who action figures!"

The Doctor pulled out a model of himself, and frowned.

"Looks nothing like me!" he complained, "I think they're ripping me off!"

"Mine's worse." Grumbled Jack, then his face brightened up, "But it's still awesome! Who wouldn't want an action figure of themselves?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes, "What else?"

Jack pulled out another box, "Remote controlled Dalek."

"Okay, now that is a good one." The Doctor admitted, coming over to take a look, "Sound effects and all! Oh, those old dustbins aren't going to be happy about this!"

"More where that came from!" exclaimed Jack theatrically, "The full set of key chains, TARDIS money boxes for all of us, bags, pencil cases, a sonic screwdriver…" he paused at the look on The Doctor's face, "It's one of those invisible ink things. Pretty cool, huh?"

Suddenly, Rose jumped in, a huge grin plastered on her face.

"Look what I got!" she shouted, pulling out a few bundles, "T-shirts for all!"

She handed The Doctor one, "This is for you… The Doctor opened it and grinned at the caption,

"Trust me, I'm a Doctor! Aww…thanks Rose!"

"Jack!" Rose called, "This is yours…"

Jack opened his up and a similar grin appeared on his face when he saw a picture of him alongside the caption.

"See ya in hell." He read, "I guess it works…"

Rose pulled the last one open, "And look at mine!" she opened the shirt, and both The Doctor and Jack frowned.

"What's it say?" The Doctor asked, reading the words.

_Dumpa de dum, dumpa de dum, dumpa de dum, diddly dum, waaaa…_

"It's the Doctor Who theme song!" Rose shouted happily, "_Theme song!_ We have a theme song!"

Rose put the shirt back in the bag, and pulled out another box.

"Do you have any popcorn?" she asked, holding the box up. The Doctor frowned again.

"Sure…somewhere. Why?"

Rose chucked him the box, "Cos' I just bought the first twenty seven seasons of Doctor Who, including the telemovie with the Eighth Doctor. I can't believe how many different actors there are! And they made up some story about Timelords 'regenerating' to cover it up. How stupid is that?"

The Doctor laughed nervously, "Yeah. Total bull."

The Doctor excused himself and walked out of the room, muttering to himself as he went.

* * *

Hours, perhaps even days later, the group walked out of the control room with sad faces. Rose was even crying.

"That season finale was so sad…" she said, sobbing and clutching The Doctor's jacket, "Bloody Dalek Emperor…and I can't belive the DVD player exploded right before the end…"

The Doctor bit his lip.

"You don't think any of that is really going to happen, do you?" Rose asked, not noticing the gesture as she grabbed a tissue out of her pocket and sniffed.

"Nah." The Doctor shook his head, "Course not." But he knew better.

Jack rubbed his eyes, "God…we've watched way too much TV…I think a breakfast of bacon and eggs is in order!"

He glanced at The Doctor, "Hey, after this, can I decide where to go? There's this nice place I want to show you guys."

The Doctor nodded, "Sure…knock yourself out."

Jack grinned and went to prepare breakfast. Rose rubbed the tears out of her eyes and laughed.

"Look at me." She said "I'm such a sook! Let's get out something cheerful…"

She disappeared to her room and returned a second later with a CD in her hand. Grinning, she pushed it into a slot on the control panel and music began to fill the TARDIS. The Doctor and Rose grinned at each other, then began to belt out the lyrics for everyone to hear.

"DOCTOR WHOOOOOO, HEY! DOCTOR WHO! DOCTOR WHOOOOOO, HEY! THE TARDIS!"

* * *

Note: Sadly, nothing in the exhibition is real. I had hardly any information so I had to make it up as I went along. The actual exhibition IS real, but unfortunatly I will not be going unless I mysteriously win a million dollars and can afford to travel to The Red Dragon centre in Cardiff. And the song 'Doctorin the TARDIS' is also real. (I've watched the music clip...it's freaky as.) 


	3. Author's Note

G'day all!

Sorry for the lack of updates…good holiday destinations are slightly lacking these days! And considering I am being loaded with homework, it may take longer than I expected.

Anyway, I'm sorry to tell you I have to postpone the story even longer. Due to some problems I am having with life I am temporarily leaving this site. All my stories are being postponed for a while. But don't stop reading, I will be back ASAP!

To all those who keep reading, I will send virtual bananas! Yippee!

Yours truly,

Waterdragon719


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